SCP-3771
Americans Be Eating Cheesed Burger
Special Containment Procedures
SCP-3771 is to be monitored through a live video feed at all times. In addition, two guards are to be posted at the entrance of SCP-3771 to prevent civilian access. Should any civilians attempt to enter SCP-3771, they are to be turned away politely, only using force should they attempt to enter regardless.
Should Foundation personnel wish to eat any food from SCP-3771, they are to not eat any menu items that the Foundation deems potentially lethal.
Description
SCP-3771 is a restaurant located in ████████, Hawai'i known as "Burger Island". Subjects who enter SCP-3771 are typically greeted by the restaurant's owner, a Polynesian woman aged 58 years old by the name of A█████ Bueno designated PoI-273. Should a subject request to dine at SCP-3771, PoI-273 will escort them to a table and hand them a menu (See Table below) with various food items for order. No prices are listed for any items on the menu.
No other employees have been seen at SCP-3771, but despite this, all food ordered will be given to the customer approximately 10 minutes after ordering. While any food served visually appears to be what the subject ordered, consumption of the food results in the food transforming into a different and objectively healthier food related to what was consumed.
Food ordered cannot be removed from the perimeter of SCP-3771, as any attempt to exit SCP-3771 while in possession of uneaten food will cause the food to disintegrate. Leaving without ordering any food will not have any adverse effects.
Below is a list of select menu items and their effects.
| Menu Item | Transformation | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| The Hawaiian Dream Burger, a beef patty topped with rum-cooked pineapple rings, American cheese, barbecue sauce and onions. Served on a sesame seed bun. | Upon consumption, a whole pineapple forms in place of the food consumed. | Typical result after consumption is death due to internal bleeding. |
| The Chutney Burger, a ground pork patty topped with papaya chutney, red peppers, onions and a lime-infused mayonnaise. Served on a sesame seed bun. | Upon consumption, a papaya puree forms in place of the food consumed. | Subjects feel discomfort at the immediate liquidation of the food as it digests. |
| The Hawaiian Sunset Wings, a plate of bone-in chicken wings coated in a sauce consisting of soy sauce, ketchup and pineapple juice. | Upon consumption of each individual wing, a portion of chicken breast replaces the food consumed. | Has caused choking, however the entire meal can be consumed without death. |
| Sweet Potato Fries, deep fried sticks of sweet potatoes tossed with salt. Served with ketchup. | Upon consumption, each fry loses any salt and oil that remained. If it was consumed with ketchup, the ketchup evaporates. | Subjects report a loss of most of the flavor in the food, however report little problems in the consumption itself. |
| A Standard Margarita, made with two ounces of tequila, one ounce of Cointreau and one ounce of lime juice. Served in a glass with a salt rim. | Upon consumption, all alcohol content is removed from the drink. | Subjects reported experiencing no difference aside from the lack of inebriation. |
Addendum:
Below is an interview with PoI-273, conducted by Agent Willamette Cooper on 9/28/████.
<Begin Log>
Agent Cooper is seated in a booth located on the eastern side of SCP-3771. PoI-273 hands her a menu and begins to leave.
Agent Cooper: Um, miss, I actually already know what I would like to order.
PoI-273: Oh! You certainly decide quick, don't you? Well, what would you like, then?
PoI-273 takes a pad of paper from her pocket and prepares to write.
Agent Cooper: Well, I actually have a few questions, first. Just, just to be sure I get what I want to order.
PoI-273: Oh, certainly! Anything that could make your time here more enjoyable.
Agent Cooper: Well, ah, I heard that eating a few things on this menu can cause some, ah, adverse effects. Do you know anything about this?
PoI-273 snorts.
PoI-273: Adverse? As if anything I make doesn't help people out for the better. People love my food!
Agent Cooper: So you know about how people here die sometimes after eating here? Particularly from food suddenly appearing in place of what you served them?
PoI-273: Oh, some recipes are a bit old, but I don't have the heart to remove them. I've been running this place for years, I don't intend to suddenly change the menu and confuse the regulars.
Note: No other customers other than Foundation personnel have been seen in SCP-3771.
Agent Cooper: So it's on purpose? What possible reason would you have to make food that kills people?
PoI-273: Oh, I don't make food that kills people, it's those dirty, greasy fast food places that are killing people! So often are people subjected to eating cheap, unhealthy food that just makes them fatter and fatter while the price of healthy food is jacked up to kingdom come! It's why everything I offer here is organic, locally-grown, and of course, free!
Agent Cooper: But you serve people burgers and alcohol and chicken wings?
PoI-273: Well, when people are so used to eating the unhealthy stuff, sometimes people need to ease into the good stuff! It's like taking a pill with a glass of water; it just makes it easier to go down.
Agent Cooper: This whole thing, this whole restaurant is just a health joint in disguise?
PoI-273: You say that like it's a bad thing! Everyone deserves to be healthy at a good price. Now, are you going to order anything?
Agent Cooper looks back down at her menu.
Agent Cooper: Which of these are newer recipes?
Extraneous dialogue expunged.
<End Log>