SCP-3494
Waste Management by dado
Television ad advertising SCP-3494 "superlax".
Special Containment Procedures
Contained instances of SCP-3494 are to be held in a secure anomalous item locker at Site-40. Foundation agents embedded in local law enforcement agencies in the Newark, NJ area are to monitor local television stations for SCP-3494 advertisements, removing them when possible. Additionally, Mobile Task Force P-900 "Gut Busters" are to search for and contain instances of SCP-3494, and administer amnestics to those with knowledge of SCP-3494.
Individuals who have been administered a dose of SCP-3494 are to be held at the Site-40 anomalous waste management center in specialized waste removal cells until such time as a remedy to their condition is made available.
Research into the Person of Interest known as "dado" is ongoing.
Description
SCP-3494 is the collective name for a group of anomalous pharmaceuticals advertised as "superlax by dado". Unlike previous anomalous drugs manufactured by the individual known as "dado", SCP-3494 is marketed to the population directly, usually through television ads consisting of a white screen with black text that is spliced into other advertisements during daytime hours. The source of these advertisements is unknown.
SCP-3494 instances are cream-colored tablets, roughly 1.1 cm in length, that are delivered to customers in a zipper bag with the words "superlax by dado" written on its exterior in black marker. A typed note on standard Xerox paper within the bag indicates that SCP-3494 is a laxative, and is "the last anti-poop u will ever need or want". SCP-3494 has also been advertised in a cream form "to apply directly to problem butthole", but no instances of this variant have been recovered.
Individuals who are not currently experiencing constipation who are administered a dosage of SCP-3494 are unaffected by the drug, although some have experienced a sudden numbness in the lower gut that lessens over time. However, any individuals who are currently constipated will experience the apparent intended effect of SCP-3494, which is the seemingly never-ending expulsion of fecal matter from the subject's anus.
While subjects who experience this effect do not otherwise feel any discomfort1, they are also powerless to control the expulsion of waste matter. The waste is seemingly generated from an extra-spatial area somewhere within the subject, as not only will the amount of waste produced quickly exceed the subject's body weight, but tested samples of this waste indicate that, after the initial expulsion of waste, all other samples contained human biological material that did not match the subject's genetic profile.
So far, all subjects who have been administered a dosage of SCP-3494 are continuing to experience the effects of SCP-3494. There is currently no known method by which to abate these effects. All known afflicted subjects have been moved to the Site-40 waste management facility to help control the flow of waste.
2) that can be used to order additional dosages of SCP-3494. The following is the transcript from phone calls made by Foundation agents to this number.
[BEGIN LOG]
Phone ringing
Unknown Voice: Yes hello, you have reached dado yes, home of fine dado product and also laundry and tan. How am I can be help you?
Agent Mills: I- yes, I'm Agent Mills, of-
Unknown Voice: No I am not interest in your product please yes do not call back thank you.
Hangs up
[END LOG]
[BEGIN LOG]
Phone ringing
Unknown Voice: Yes hello this is dado you are speaking to, home of fine dado product and also laundry and tan. How helpful can I to you be?
Agent Westrin: Yes, hi, my name is Pat DeMure, and I saw your advertisement for the "superlax" on the TV, and I am intrigued. I'm thinking about pulling the trigger, but before I do I just want to get some more information.
Unknown Voice: Ah yes, very good. Well you no need to pull trigger, no gun allowed at laundry and tan of course but yes. I help with superlax. Best lax on market currently. 100% removal of blockage. Get it all out. Best remedy for what ails. How many I order you for?
Agent Westrin: Now one moment, I have a few questions myself. Now a… a friend of mine took some of your superlax, and they've experienced what I might describe as an… excess of waste, wh-
Unknown Voice: Yes, considerable waste blow out the poop chute clean it all out yes. Very effective remedy.
Agent Westrin: I see, yes, but she felt like maybe… maybe not all of the uh- the waste, was hers.
Unknown Voice: Yes that is correct mmmhmmm.
Agent Westrin: You… you mean that's intended?
Unknown Voice: Yes.
Agent Westrin: Why would that ever be intended?
Unknown Voice: Well you see that is very simple of course. Before dado make this fine superlax he conduct of the clinical trial with focus group. Focus group is say to dado, "need to get it all out. Clean out all the poop." So dado considers this, and dado is think, "there is many poop in the world yes, how best to get it out?" Well, fortunate for dado, dado is the best of all clever thinker. You have ride in the Uber, yes?
Agent Westrin: Like the ride-sharing service? Uh… yes.
Unknown Voice: Yes exact. So you are ride from someone who is not you. You outsource ride yes? Now you no need to do the transport of yourself, the transport is done for you!
Agent Westrin: I don't think I-
Unknown Voice: So dado is think, "how best to get out the poop?" Then dado realize! Like the Uber! Outsource the poop! There is many poop in the world however, so yes perhaps flow of the poop is more than intended, but more people take the superlax yes and more people share the poop! Like the Uber! And no block! Poop chute is clean as whistler. Very helpful, yes. You trust dado, you get considerate relief.
Agent Westrin: I see.
Unknown Voice: You are satisfied with response yes, this I see. Now, how many of the superlax can you ordering?
Agent Westrin: Is there any chance I could get a hold of a list of people who have purchased-
Unknown Voice" id="addendum-34941-strong-hotline-communication-p-padvertisements-for-scp-3494-often-reference-a-toll-free-phone-number-1-800-iam-dadosup-classfootnoterefa-idfootnoteref-2-hrefjavascript-classfootnoteref-onclickwikidotpageutilsscrolltoreferencefootnote-22-a-sup-that-can-be-used-to-order-additional-dosages-of-scp-3494-the-following-is-the-transcript-from-phone-calls-made-by-foundation-agents-to-this-number-p-blockquote-pbegin-log-p-pemphone-ringing-em-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-yes-hello-you-have-reached-dado-yes-home-of-fine-dado-product-and-also-laundry-and-tan-how-am-i-can-be-help-you-p-pstrongagent-mills-strong-i-yes-im-agent-mills-of-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-no-i-am-not-interest-in-your-product-please-yes-do-not-call-back-thank-you-p-pemhangs-up-em-p-pend-log-p-blockquote-blockquote-pbegin-log-p-pemphone-ringing-em-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-yes-hello-this-is-dado-you-are-speaking-to-home-of-fine-dado-product-and-also-laundry-and-tan-how-helpful-can-i-to-you-be-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-yes-hi-my-name-is-pat-demure-and-i-saw-your-advertisement-for-the-quotsuperlaxquot-on-the-tv-and-i-am-intrigued-im-thinking-about-pulling-the-trigger-but-before-i-do-i-just-want-to-get-some-more-information-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-ah-yes-very-good-well-you-no-need-to-pull-trigger-no-gun-allowed-at-laundry-and-tan-of-course-but-yes-i-help-with-superlax-best-lax-on-market-currently-100-removal-of-blockage-get-it-all-out-best-remedy-for-what-ails-how-many-i-order-you-for-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-now-one-moment-i-have-a-few-questions-myself-now-a8230-a-friend-of-mine-took-some-of-your-superlax-and-theyve-experienced-what-i-might-describe-as-an8230-excess-of-waste-wh-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-yes-considerable-waste-blow-out-the-poop-chute-clean-it-all-out-yes-very-effective-remedy-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-i-see-yes-but-she-felt-like-maybe8230-maybe-not-all-of-the-uh-the-waste-was-hers-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-yes-that-is-correct-mmmhmmm-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-you8230-you-mean-thats-intended-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-yes-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-why-would-that-ever-be-intended-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-well-you-see-that-is-very-simple-of-course-before-dado-make-this-fine-superlax-he-conduct-of-the-clinical-trial-with-focus-group-focus-group-is-say-to-dado-quotneed-to-get-it-all-out-clean-out-all-the-poopquot-so-dado-considers-this-and-dado-is-think-quotthere-is-many-poop-in-the-world-yes-how-best-to-get-it-outquot-well-fortunate-for-dado-dado-is-the-best-of-all-clever-thinker-you-have-ride-in-the-uber-yes-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-like-the-ride-sharing-service-uh8230-yes-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-yes-exact-so-you-are-ride-from-someone-who-is-not-you-you-outsource-ride-yes-now-you-no-need-to-do-the-transport-of-yourself-the-transport-is-done-for-you-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-i-dont-think-i-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-so-dado-is-think-quothow-best-to-get-out-the-poopquot-then-dado-realize-like-the-uber-outsource-the-poop-there-is-many-poop-in-the-world-however-so-yes-perhaps-flow-of-the-poop-is-more-than-intended-but-more-people-take-the-superlax-yes-and-more-people-share-the-poop-like-the-uber-and-no-block-poop-chute-is-clean-as-whistler-very-helpful-yes-you-trust-dado-you-get-considerate-relief-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-i-see-p-pstrongunknown-voice-strong-you-are-satisfied-with-response-yes-this-i-see-now-how-many-of-the-superlax-can-you-ordering-p-pstrongagent-westrin-strong-is-there-any-chance-i-could-get-a-hold-of-a-list-of-people-who-have-purchased-p-pstrongunknown-voice">Addendum 3494.1: Hotline Communication
Advertisements for SCP-3494 often reference a toll-free phone number (1-800-iam-dado2) that can be used to order additional dosages of SCP-3494. The following is the transcript from phone calls made by Foundation agents to this number.
[BEGIN LOG]
Phone ringing
Unknown Voice: Yes hello, you have reached dado yes, home of fine dado product and also laundry and tan. How am I can be help you?
Agent Mills: I- yes, I'm Agent Mills, of-
Unknown Voice: No I am not interest in your product please yes do not call back thank you.
Hangs up
[END LOG]
[BEGIN LOG]
Phone ringing
Unknown Voice: Yes hello this is dado you are speaking to, home of fine dado product and also laundry and tan. How helpful can I to you be?
Agent Westrin: Yes, hi, my name is Pat DeMure, and I saw your advertisement for the "superlax" on the TV, and I am intrigued. I'm thinking about pulling the trigger, but before I do I just want to get some more information.
Unknown Voice: Ah yes, very good. Well you no need to pull trigger, no gun allowed at laundry and tan of course but yes. I help with superlax. Best lax on market currently. 100% removal of blockage. Get it all out. Best remedy for what ails. How many I order you for?
Agent Westrin: Now one moment, I have a few questions myself. Now a… a friend of mine took some of your superlax, and they've experienced what I might describe as an… excess of waste, wh-
Unknown Voice: Yes, considerable waste blow out the poop chute clean it all out yes. Very effective remedy.
Agent Westrin: I see, yes, but she felt like maybe… maybe not all of the uh- the waste, was hers.
Unknown Voice: Yes that is correct mmmhmmm.
Agent Westrin: You… you mean that's intended?
Unknown Voice: Yes.
Agent Westrin: Why would that ever be intended?
Unknown Voice: Well you see that is very simple of course. Before dado make this fine superlax he conduct of the clinical trial with focus group. Focus group is say to dado, "need to get it all out. Clean out all the poop." So dado considers this, and dado is think, "there is many poop in the world yes, how best to get it out?" Well, fortunate for dado, dado is the best of all clever thinker. You have ride in the Uber, yes?
Agent Westrin: Like the ride-sharing service? Uh… yes.
Unknown Voice: Yes exact. So you are ride from someone who is not you. You outsource ride yes? Now you no need to do the transport of yourself, the transport is done for you!
Agent Westrin: I don't think I-
Unknown Voice: So dado is think, "how best to get out the poop?" Then dado realize! Like the Uber! Outsource the poop! There is many poop in the world however, so yes perhaps flow of the poop is more than intended, but more people take the superlax yes and more people share the poop! Like the Uber! And no block! Poop chute is clean as whistler. Very helpful, yes. You trust dado, you get considerate relief.
Agent Westrin: I see.
Unknown Voice: You are satisfied with response yes, this I see. Now, how many of the superlax can you ordering?
Agent Westrin: Is there any chance I could get a hold of a list of people who have purchased-
Unknown Voice Aha! I sleuth you out. You are supplier of opposition to dado! Uninterested in second rate non-dado product! I add you to block call on phone!
Hangs up
[END LOG]
Additional phone calls made by Foundation agents to the number listed in the advertisement have been unsuccessful.