The following is an abbreviated version of the testing log of Junior Researcher Rivera. Full documentation is available from Site Director █████████ upon request.
Date: 04/04/2017
Summary: Initial testing of SCP-3450
SCP-3450 Excerpt:
All of a sudden, a beutiful unicorn jumped out from behind the bushes! Hahaha said dedede, you will never defeat my number one henchman, Sugarcoat the magical unicorn princess! The unicorn shot a beam of candy magic at Kirby but he didnt get turned to candy because he had some more health left and didnt die. Than all of a sudden kirby ran up to Sugarcoat and sucked her up with his breath! He swallowed her and started shooting candy lasers at Dedede. Aaahhhh said dedede as he ran away but the laser hit him and he got turned into a gummy Dedede. Kirby ate the gummy dedede and thought it was very tasty.
Remarks:
The abilities manifested by Sugarcoat in SCP-3450 appear to coincide with those she exhibited in the original documents, as far as I can remember. At this point, it is unclear if the literary quality of the work is innate, or if it is an attempt to simulate my own writing style when I was, what, seven? Eight?
Rather than dredge up more of my childhood embarrassments creations, I intend to write additional characters specifically designed to test the limits of SCP-3450's anomalous capabilities. Each subsequent test of SCP-3450 will be preceded by the composition of one short story featuring said character.
On another note, here's to my first official assignment as a Foundation researcher! The first of many to come, I hope.
Date: 04/05/2017
Summary: Testing of SCP-3450's self-awareness
Character created: Jennifer Harwell, 29-year-old author. Subject is the protagonist in a heavily metafictional narrative in which she is aware of her fictional status. Subject is described as being capable of modifying her reality by directly interacting with the text comprising her existence.
SCP-3450 Excerpt:
All of a sudden, a woman jumped out from behind the bushes! Hahaha, said dedede, you will never defeat my number one henchman, Jennifer Harwell! Jennifer got out a pencil and wrote in this story "Kirby tripped on a rock and got hurt." All of a sudden, Kirby tripped on a rock and got hurt! Jennifer laughed, but while she was laughing Kirby ran in and sucked her up! After he swallowed her, he realized there where words all around him! He eraced the part where I said he got hurt and wrote "kirby ate a maxim tomato and got healthy." Then he wrote "dead" right before where I said dedede in the second sentence so now Dedede was dead and Kirby won.
Remarks:
SCP-3450 is indeed capable of recognizing its nature as a work of fiction. Furthermore, the writing style appears independent of the source material.
Date: 04/06/2017
Summary: Testing of SCP-3450's intelligence
Character created: Dr. Syed Khan, 62-year-old physicist. Subject is a highly decorated Cornell professor and Nobel laureate specializing in particle physics phenomenology. Subject delivers a 38-page monologue summarizing modern developments in quantum gravity at a postgraduate level.
SCP-3450 Excerpt:
All of a sudden, a man jumped out from behind the bushes! Hahaha, said Dedede, you will never defeat my number one henchman, Syed Khan! The man got out a chalkboard and started writing equations. There was so much sceince that Kirby's head started to hurt all of a sudden! But Kirby closed his eyes and sucked up Dr. khan. When he swallowed, he had a super smart sceince brain! He said some big physics words like "PROTON" and caused a particle beam! The beam hit Dedede and defeated the boss.
Remarks:
I really don't know why I expected anything different.
[Superfluous tests omitted]
Date: 04/20/2017
Summary: Further testing of SCP-3450
Character created: Thermodynamic Man, 31-year-old crimefighter. Subject is capable of adding or removing heat to nearby objects at an approximate power of 350 kW.
SCP-3450 Excerpt:
All of a sudden, a man in a cape jumped out from behind the bushes! Hahaha, said Dedede, you will never defeat my number one henchman, Thermodynamic Man! The caped man reached out his arm, and all of a sudden Kirby's temprature started going way up! Kirby jumped to the side to get out of the man's range, then sucked him up into his stomach. Then kirby swallowed him and started using his heat powers on Dedede, but he jumped in a river to cool off! So Kirby cooled the water down until it froze and hit the frozen Dedede with a super charged attack to beat the level.
Remarks:
On further inspection, this didn't really tell us anything we didn't already know. It fights, it gets eaten, it gets copied, the end. Either we're running out of meaningful tests, or I'm getting a bad case of writer's block. I'll see what I can come up with next time before I pass judgment on this.
Date: 04/21/2017
Summary: Further testing of SCP-3450
Character created: Khor'gul, orc berserker of the Northern Wastelands
SCP-3450 Excerpt:
All of a sudden, a big green orc jumped out from behind the bushes! Hahaha, said Dedede, you will never defeat my number one henchman, Khor'gul the Berserker! The orc swung his heavy axe at Kirby, who dodged the attack by the skin of his teeth. Khor'gul swung again and again, but kirby jumped out of the way every time. All of a sudden, Kirby saw his opening! He sucked up the orc and swallowed him to get his axe powers. He swung at Dedede, who tried to dodge like Kirby did, but he was way too slow and fat! Dedede took massive damage and fell over dead.
Remarks:
Another dud. I think this story is really starting to get to me — even in my other assignments, I can't seem to contribute the way I used to. I can still handle facts and data just fine, but lateral thinking is a struggle. I think I'm going to take some time off for a while, just to get my mind back on track. Hopefully it'll be enough time to come with another useful test for this godawful fanfiction.
Date: 05/08/2017
Summary: Further testing of SCP-3450
Character created: Larry Plotter, 11-year-old apprentice wizard
SCP-3450 Excerpt:
All of a sudden, a boy jumped out from behind the bushes! "Hahaha," said Dedede, "you will never defeat my number one henchman, Larry Plotter!" The boy shouted a spell, and a beam of magic shot out of his wand right at Kirby. When the spell hit, all of a sudden Kirby became super dizzy! He tried to suck up Larry, but he missed and inhaled a rock instead. He turn and spat the rock at Larry, who was stunned long enough for Kirby to get his balance back and suck up the wizard. After he swallowed, he cast a spell at Dedede to turn him into a harmless frog.
Remarks:
Larry Plotter. I spend two whole weeks thinking of a new character, and all I can come up with is Larry freaking Plotter.
What the hell is wrong with me? I don't think it's just simple writer's block anymore. It's more like… there's nothing left to block. Like this story has just sucked me dry of everything I have to give until there's nothing left. I can't write, can't work, can't think, can't do anything except watch all my originality slip away.
I am so sick of this goddamn story. Sick of this goddamn puffball and this goddamn penguin and this goddamn "all of a sudden" every other goddamn sentence. I'm going to try this one last time, and if it still doesn't work… I don't know.
Date: 05/09/2017
Summary: Test failure
Character created: N/A
SCP-3450 Excerpt: N/A
Remarks:
I couldn't do it.
I stayed up all night trying to make something new, but nothing worked. When I got to work today, I opened up SCP-3450, scrolled past Chapter 1, and it just ended. Nothing there. I feel like
I feel like
Shit. I can't even think of a metaphor.
I don't know what to do.
