SCP-3442
Innovative and Synergistic Customer-Directed Actualization
Special Containment Procedures
MTF Delta-19 ("All the Keynes' Men") is to monitor business-focused magazines, management science conferences, and the personal websites of popular business gurus for evidence of SCP-3442. The output of prominent academic presses is to be analyzed for information that may lead readers toward the realization of SCP-3442.
Popular management information systems are to be compromised and automatically monitored for signs of large-scale reorganizations. The earnings reports of publicly traded companies are to be analyzed for statistically significant decreases in profit (p < .005) compared to the wider economy. Any online content containing at least 50% of an SCP-3442 instance is to be removed immediately, and individuals involved in uploading said content are to be questioned when possible.
Individuals who demonstrate knowledge of SCP-3442 are to be administered a Class-B amnestic. Any infected organization is to be reorganized following employee treatment, preferably to the relevant industry's standard. Shrines constructed in the course of an SCP-3442 infection are to be dismantled and transported to Site-82 for processing. Non-critical Site-82 personnel are to be administered Class-C amnestics on a rotating basis to reduce the risk of intuitive infection.
Description
SCP-3442 is a method of arranging entities1 within a larger organization. To date, only profit-focused organizations have been identified as being affected. No anomalous qualities or knowledge are necessary for the spontaneous conception of SCP-3442, which has been identified in 51 distinct forms to date. This organizational structure is extremely inefficient when judged by modern standards, resulting in decreased productivity within the range of 50-80% once implemented. This effect is consistent across a wide variety of businesses differing in size, specialty, and previous structure. Predictive analysis indicates that failure to contain a single SCP-3442 instance could lead to a complete collapse of the global economy within six months. A partial summary of traits shared by varieties of SCP-3442 follows:
ALERT: INFOHAZARD RISK
DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
PROPENSITY TO SPECULATE, INTENSE CURIOSITY, OR OBSESSIVE TIDINESS
Documents bearing text, diagrams, or other means of depicting the entirety of SCP-3442 condition observers to believe that the organizational structure is highly efficient, even in cases where individuals are unable to understand the structure itself. Similar effects are experienced by individuals who conceive SCP-3442 without external stimulus. Typical vectors of infection include board meetings, PowerPoint slides, and sessions of mandatory training.
Organizations infected by SCP-34422 transition through three developmental stages:
Stage 1: Infected organizations continue to operate normally during the transition process. Decreased efficiency is explained as being a result of employees readjusting to the new structure. Motivational posters are disseminated physically and electronically in attempts to raise morale. The frequency of potlucks and other office parties increases at varied rates. Casual Fridays are implemented immediately in 94% of cases. This stage lasts approximately 3 months.
Stage 2: Decreases in efficiency begin to plateau at this stage. Stockholders and other external figures are infected with SCP-3442 during justifications for structural changes. Reported thefts of office supplies increase steadily. The rate of absenteeism following lunch breaks increases at a similar pace. Anomalous activity occurs at above-average rates in the proximity of infected workplaces, typically in the forms of disembodied speech, spontaneous matter transmutation, and minor electrical abnormalities. This stage lasts approximately 4 months.
Stage 3: Shrines constructed out of office supplies are unveiled in lobbies, gardens, and other public spaces. All SCP-3442 shrines contain a seat constructed from sheafs of documents, a spear formed by bound bundles of pens, and a water cooler. Organized ceremonies are conducted by employees during standard work hours, all of which incorporate the act of dosing water with ink prior to consumption. Regions containing SCP-3442 shrines experience above-average rates of mass hysteria, especially pertaining to economic issues. Inordinate drops in stock prices, runs on banks, and instances of sustenance looting have all been regularly observed in affected regions, even in cases where the infected organization is relatively unimportant. In addition to the increasing intensity of Stage 2 anomalous activity, rains of Roman siliqua3 occur frequently within the proximity of SCP-3442 shrines. No subsequent stage of infection has been observed.
Theological analysis of services conducted during Stage 3 infection has failed to establish a clear connection to any known religion, cult, or other group of interest. Small-scale tests have failed to produce any further insight into the entity implied to exist during worship, despite expanded freedom to conduct services. Large-scale testing is in progress at Site-82.
