SCP-3329

Description

SCP-3329 refers to a collection of 120 (originally 144, recovered as 12 bunches of 12 instances each) lollipop candies. Each instance consists of a sphere of hard candy approximately 3.75 cm in diameter with an embedded 10 cm long white paper stick. At the time of recovery, each instance was wrapped in bright red paper with a calligraphic 'H F' written in gold on the top, and the words 'Lil' Lollipop's Little Lollipops' around the circumference. Each instance of SCP-3329 begins as one of 12 flavours (see Document 3329-01) with a 0.5 mm crescent of iridescent edible glitter reaching 180 degrees around the candy from pole to pole.

When wrapped, or unwrapped but not held by a human subject, SCP-3329 exhibits no anomalous properties. When a human subject grabs hold of an instance of SCP-3329 by its stick, the candy will become luminescent and the glitter line will begin to move clockwise at a rate of one rotation per minute. As the glitter moves, the portion of candy it passes over is converted into one of the other 11 flavours, seemingly at random. When the glitter line returns to its point of origin and the confectionery has been 100 percent converted to a new flavour, the cycle begins anew.

When licked or sucked, subjects report a combination of the two flavours present. Instances of SCP-3329 will only decrease in size concentrically during this process, and to date no test subject has been able to orally deform an instance into anything other than a spherical shape. Damaging an instance by other means such as percussive force will result in the loss of anomalous properties.

Once an instance of SCP-3329 has been reduced to approximately 5 millimeters in diameter, all 12 flavours will appear as separate swirls rotating at 1 RPM. This 'rainbow core' can be bitten off, however this will trigger SCP-3329's secondary effects in what has been termed a Barnum Event.

Experiment Log 3329-03, first recorded occurrence of a Barnum Event:

Researcher overseeing experiment: Dr. Jedidiah Oswald

Test Subject: D-97605, female, 23 years old

<Begin Log>

D-97605: Is this for real?

Dr. Oswald: I know this may seem silly, but an anomaly's an anomaly. Just pick up a sucker and consume it, describing any effects you experience. We'll be monitoring your vital signs and we have a medic on stand by in the event of an adverse reaction.

D-97605: I'm not complaining doc. I'll take this over [REDACTED] any day.

(Subject unwraps an instance of SCP-3329. It immediately begins to glow red, with the glitter line gradually turning it amber.)

D-97605: This thing's not radioactive is it?

Dr. Oswald: The banana flavoured ones are actually about as radioactive as ordinary bananas. I've taken that to mean these are made using natural flavours.

D-97605: Only the best for the nameless human guinea pigs. Here goes nothing.

(Subject tentatively licks SCP-3329.)

D-97605: Mmm. The red tastes like cherry and the amber taste like cinnamon. I'm not noticing anything unusual aside from the obvious.

Dr. Oswald: Noted. Your readings haven't changed either. Please continue consuming the item.

(Extraneous footage redacted for brevity. Subject complied and reported the different flavours assumed by SCP-3329, all of which were consistent with those listed in Document 3329-01. At several points, the subject attempted to bite down on SCP-3329 but was unable to break it. After approximately 110 minutes, SCP-3329 has been sufficiently reduced in size to enter its 'rainbow core' phase.)

D-97605: Something's happening. Is it supposed to be doing that?

Dr. Oswald: We believe so. Please consume it and report the results.

D-97605: Understood. Tasting the rainbow.

(Subject places SCP-3329 in her mouth and bites down, this time successfully removing the candy from the stick.)

D-97605: Okay, it's melting. It's very sweet and it's a medley of all the other flavours. The taste isn't going away.

(Subject sticks out her tongue and looks at her reflection in the one-way mirror, revealing her tongue to be coated in a luminescent rainbow swirl. This is believed to be the initiation of the Barnum Event.)

D-97605: Oh, awesome. I've got a gay pride parade in my mouth.

Dr. Oswald: An entire parade? That's certainly a first. Please describe it in more detail.

D-97605: Huh?

Dr. Oswald: The parade inside your mouth. Tell me more. How big is it, is it causing you any discomfort, and why are they having a pride parade at this time of year?

D-97605: Are you fucking with me or…ah, well they're mouth people so they don't go by a solar calendar. Seasons are based around coffee flavours: Pumpkin Spice, Peppermint Mocha, you get the idea.

Dr. Oswald: Intriguing. We should call the anthropology department and inform them of this development. I'm sure they'd like to study the inhabitants of your oral cavity.

D-97606: Sure. Sure. Hey, speaking of cavities, I have a literal sweet tooth. One of my molars is comprised entirely of compressed sucrose. It's not even an anomaly, just a weird quirk of nature. What do you think about that?

Dr. Oswald: It is fascinating, but for the moment I think we should remain focused on the pride parade.

D-97605: (smiles) Whatever you say. Actually, as much as I wish we could keep studying this, today's the day I'm getting discharged.

Dr. Oswald: Oh. I apologize. Congratulations. I don't know why I wasn't informed.

D-97605: Don't worry about it, I know what a bureaucratic nightmare this place is. Yeah, I was pardoned by one of the Overseers for good behavior, and they said that as a reward for that good behavior you guys were to just take me down to the Site garage and give me a vehicle, one without a tracker, as well as civilian clothes, whatever cash you have on hand and let me drive out of here. Right now.

Dr. Oswald: That's hardly standard protocol, but I can't afford to get into anymore trouble with the O5s. They'd better reimburse me for the cash at least.

D-97605: Yeah, I'm sure they will. If we don't go right now though you won't be able to file the expense report in time for this month's rebate, or whatever you call it.

Dr. Oswald: They changed the deadline without so much as a memo? Typical. We'd better get going then. I'd rather not be short that much money any longer than I have to be.

(Dr. Oswald opens the door to the testing chamber, and the guard on duty makes no objection.)

D-97605: Oh my god.

(D-97605 pockets all the SCP-3329 instances present in the testing chamber and allows the guard and Dr. Oswald to escort her out.)

<End Log>

Post Incident Report: According to witness testimony and security footage, Dr. Oswald and Agent Rourke escorted D-97605 to the parking garage per her request. She was evidently able to convince anyone who questioned this that she was indeed being released. She absconded with a black sedan and several thousand dollars in cash¹. She also, evidently, convinced everyone that her release was classified and that they were not to tell anyone about it, thus confounding investigations into her disappearance for several days.

The vehicle in question was later recovered at a local used car dealership, having been purchased for nearly 12 times its value² with no paperwork. D-97605 and 11 instances of SCP-3329 remain at large.

Dr. Oswald was subjected to disciplinary suspension and demotion due to the inadequate testing protocols which resulted in the loss of a D-class and 11 instances of SCP-3329. Testing and containment procedures have been updated accordingly.

Addendum: Subsequent testing of SCP-3329 has revealed that when a subject consumes the item's rainbow core and triggers a Barnum Event, other individuals are incapable of applying critical thought to any claims made by the subject and accept whatever they say as unquestionable fact. This applies whether the subject is being intentionally deceptive, unknowingly mistaken, or simply non-literal or hyperbolic.

This effect is observed whether information is communicated verbally or textually, in person or via telecommunication. Secondhand tellings of the subject's statements, either by humans or AIs, seem to negate this effect. Recordings of subjects only retain their infohazardous effects for the duration of the Barnum Event.

Barnum Events appear to last for approximately as long as a visible coating remains on the tongue of the subject. This varies significantly depending on the amount and nature of food and beverages consumed, engagement in oral hygiene, among other factors.

Recovery: All 144 instances were recovered inside of a paper bag with the word 'DISQUIETLY DISCONTINUED' written in purple pen. Although it initially appeared that the bag had been anonymously sent to Site-64's P.O. box, during the inquiry into D-97605's escape, Dr. Oswald confessed that he had violated Foundation protocol by personally seeking out anomalies for the purpose of advancing his career. He allegedly purchased SCP-3329 for a sum of $█████ USD from a currently unidentified individual who claimed to have stolen them from a supply trailer at a 'magic carnival', presumed to be GoI-233 (Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting).

In addition to his suspension and demotion, Dr. Oswald is now under surveillance by the Internal Security Department for this breach of protocol.

Found within the same bag as SCP-3329 was a folded 60cm by 90 cm poster, which appears to be promotional material for the anomaly.

Document 3329-01:

Step Right Up For Your Chance To Win

LI'L LOLLIPOPS LITTLE LOLLIPOPS!

Watch In Awe As They Morph Between All 12 Different Flavors:

GREEN ~ APPLE
AMBER ~ CINNAMON
ORANGE ~ ORANGE (DUH)
WHITE ~ VANILLA
GOLD ~ PEACH
RED ~ CHERRY
BROWN ~ COLA
YELLOW ~ BANANA
PURPLE ~ GRAPE
BLUE ~ PEPPERMINT
PINK ~ KIWI WATERMELON
INDIGO ~ WILD-BERRY

[the following text was presented in a speech bubble attached to a cartoon of a female clown]

"Hello guys, gals and non-binary pals! Li'l Lollipop here with a special treat for you! A chance to win some suckers from my private stash! I get bored real easy, so The Ringmaster had these made especially for me. They constantly change flavor, with a new sucker born every minute! They come in all my favorite flavors, and with every change a surprise there are dozens of different combinations! That's enough to even keep my attention! Plus there's a special surprise waiting at the center of each and every sucker, a surprise so spectacular you won't believe it!"

Fun Fact: Did you know that while the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" is often attributed to P.T. Barnum, there's no evidence he ever actually said it? That's because it was our own Herman Fuller who coined the phrase, and by gum it was a motto he lived by right up until his mysterious disappearance. It sure was a good thing he never had any of these. That definitely would've sucked!