Description
SCP-3169 designates six sealed foil bags, marked with the words 'Unsalted Pistachios'. Each bag contains 24 unshelled and roasted pistachio nuts, henceforth designated SCP-3169-1. SCP-3169 instances do not list ingredients or nutritional information.
Upon SCP-3169 being opened, SCP-3169-1 instances will metamorphose into live Oncorhynchus mykiss and Cyprinus carpio specimens over the space of two to four seconds, causing the bag to violently rupture.
Metamorphosed SCP-3169-1 instances are non-anomalous, barring the fins, which are typically four times larger than those of an average member of their species.
Addendum 3169.01: Recovery
SCP-3169 was discovered in 'OneSpot', a small, family-run convenience store located in ███, UK, after online recordings indicated that an extranormal event had occurred. After receiving heavy circulation through various social media websites, Foundation disinformation campaigns were initiated with the intent to pass the footage off as a hoax.
In total, six SCP-3169 instances were recovered from the scene. All eyewitnesses were administered Class-C amnestics.
Addendum 3169.02: GoI Connections
Foundation web-crawlers supervising all major social communication platforms for GoI-related activity discovered chat logs indicating the source of the incident to be 17 year-old Lewis Reeves.
Reeves is an active member of GoI 'Gamers Against Weed', and has engaged in numerous conversations under the online alias 'smoka-cola'.
smoka-cola: i've done it
smoka-cola: i've only gone and fucking done it lads
papertrail44: So yeah mint thats pretty much it PM me if u wanna know more
MintyDay: Wait sorry, what's cola done?
papertrail44: My mum
papertrail44: Wait shit
papertrail44: What have you done smoka-cola.
hjcrooke: lol i didnt even realize smoka was in this chat
smoka-cola: you know how like a week ago we were
papertrail44: Wait are you talking about the fish
MintyDay: Dude did it take you a week to make some fucking nut fish.
smoka-cola: talking about finna nut
smoka-cola: yeah
smoka-cola: yeah i made like 8 bags.
smoka-cola: its not like i sat around jerking off a magic tome for a week straight it just took a while to get it right
papertrail44: Weak sauce dude
hjcrooke: it's not even that funny
hjcrooke: like i could whip up like a
hjcrooke: uhh a fucking
~ FunkoPopFan1 has joined the channel.
FunkoPopFan1 waves.
hjcrooke: marker that turns into markiplier
smoka-cola: nice
hjcrooke: in like a day tops.
papertrail44: ur shit kid
papertrail44: Nah but in all seriousnes it's not like you drew a dick on the taj Mahal or made the mona lisa hold the communist manifesto
papertrail44: *seriousness
papertrail44: Stop getting hard over some magic bean fish yeah?
~ smoka-cola has left the channel.
MintyDay: LMAOO.
MintyDay: F
papertrail44: f to pay respects
hjcrooke: f
FunkoPopFan1: ffff
smoka-cola: is crooke afk or
MintyDay: Yeah probably cig break.
MintyDay: Hey sorry for being kind of shitty last time you joined.
MintyDay: You're new or whatever so it's cool if you don't really get how we work but like you need to start taking stuff less seriously if you want to stay.
smoka-cola: yeah
MintyDay: and ESPECIALLY if you want crooke and trail to not fucking rinse you every opportunity they get lol.
smoka-cola: yeah
smoka-cola: sorry for bein a lil bitch about it
MintyDay: Is only gaem why you heff to be mad
MintyDay: Water off a duck's back dude
MintyDay: I mean under a bridge maybe.
MintyDay: Fuck it either way you're still cool in my books you just need to do more like funny shit and not so much little edgy rebellions against your parents or whatever that was.
smoka-cola nods.
papertrail44: Hello boys and girls whats this all about
papertrail44: having a sneaky bike shed convo without me eh
MintyDay: Like what was that even about?
smoka-cola: o shit
smoka-cola: it wasnt so much a rebellion as it was a general 'fuck you'
MintyDay: Did he take your playstation.
smoka-cola: he got up my ass about me being on my laptop all the time
smoka-cola: said he'd cut off the internet
smoka-cola: which at this point in my life is p much the equivalent of locking me in a cell lmao
MintyDay: That's the saddest shit I've ever heard
smoka-cola: so fuck em
papertrail44: Yeah that worked real well.
papertrail44: 'fuck u dad, here's a bunch of garnered media attention towards your failing business. Hope that one stings.'
smoka-cola: yeah i get it
papertrail44: Well you can't expect everyone to be a greek god like me i guess.
hjcrooke: for the record i was not on a cig break
papertrail44: Beach body ready.
hjcrooke: was booking the week off
smoka-cola: for?
hjcrooke: new project: walnut mice
hjcrooke: thinking of pranking my dad by filling them with money aswell
~ bones has joined the channel.
bones: Knock it off, Crooke. That's an official warning.
smoka-cola: fuck off lol
MintyDay: Leave the poor kid alone jesus shit.
MintyDay: We're all here because we're fucking losers lmao
MintyDay: If you push yourself away from us you've basically fucking A S C E N D E D unpopularity
papertrail44: Extremely homosexual.
MintyDay: you gain untapped virgine powers beyond your wildest dreams.
hjcrooke: we all know smoka is a fucking shagalad
hjcrooke: gonna need a pair of wellies mate you're drownin in it
smoka-cola: gtg
~ smoka-cola has left the channel.
hjcrooke: omfg
hjcrooke: is this kid even real
papertrail44: Hacked by reddit.
MintyDay: Fucking hell give him a break.
hjcrooke: coaxed into a deadly snafu
hjcrooke: fuck off to daddy's fish and chip shop mate
hjcrooke: no sweat off my back
~ hjcrooke was kicked. (Vehemence)
MintyDay: Thank you bones.
smoka-cola: hey i saw the logs from yesterday
MintyDay: Oh?
smoka-cola: yeah
smoka-cola: sorry this feels really weird to type but thanks for sticking up for me
smoka-cola: i guess i'm not used to getting so much confrontation irl
MintyDay: Why's that?
smoka-cola: because it's ten times easier to run
smoka-cola: rather than trying to hold a cogent argument with the fucking kingpin of the chat room you know i just dont want to fight that fight
MintyDay: Omfg is that what you really think of crooke?
MintyDay: """Kingpin""" emphasis on the pin holy shit.
MintyDay: Crooke is a classic troll he just feeds off people's reactions.
MintyDay: He's an insufferable twat
MintyDay: But we love him
MintyDay: Because we know how to defuse him and get away from the gross fleshy fucking gargoyle exterior yeah?
MintyDay: If you just mellow out and let him burn out
MintyDay: I promise you things will get better
MintyDay: YOu still there dude?
smoka-cola: yeah
smoka-cola: thank you
smoka-cola: idk that means a lot more than you probably realise
MintyDay: Shit man that's
MintyDay: That's just
MintyDay: E X T R E M E L Y F U C K I N G G A Y
smoka-cola: lmao okay give me at least like a day to thicken my skin
MintyDay: Gotcha
MintyDay: Uhh
MintyDay: Hey how's the fish thing going.
smoka-cola: uhh it's going
smoka-cola: i mean like i was thinking maybe i could put more
smoka-cola: nuts in the bag
smoka-cola: thus creating more fish
MintyDay: You have no idea do you.
MintyDay: This is just a vague grab from the back of your intimidated mind.
smoka-cola: you put it so bleakly
smoka-cola: but yeah essentially.
MintyDay: I'm the last person you need to impress smoka. I get your thing and I want to help you with it, so like, no judgement here.
smoka-cola: right sorry
MintyDay: That said: drop the fish nut thing. It's not going to work. I would bend over backwards and bow at your fucking feet if you could pull of a fish stunt and make one of the other guys laugh.
smoka-cola: it was more a finna nut thing.
smoka-cola: but ok thank you
MintyDay: Yw dude
MintyDay: Anytime.
hjcrooke: awight dickheads
hjcrooke: what's poppin
papertrail44: Jimbo?
MintyDay: Hey crooke.
~ smoka-cola has joined the channel.
MintyDay: Hey smoka.
MintyDay: Gang's all here.
papertrail44: Lads on fucking tour
smoka-cola: wooooo
papertrail44: Let's go on a bevvy.
MintyDay: A what.
hjcrooke: bevvy boyyyys
hjcrooke: hey is cola even old enough to drink
smoka-cola: i'm 17, 18 in december
hjcrooke: alright pal didn't need your life story a 'no' would have sufficed
hjcrooke: its aight though you can just sit at the back with all the snacks
MintyDay: Crooke. Cut it out.
hjcrooke: like the crisps
hjcrooke: and the nuts.
~ bones has joined the channel.
smoka-cola: you know what
smoka-cola: that wasn't actually very funny
smoka-cola: and you're quite a pathetic person.
bones: Huh.
papertrail44: Ohhh shit lmaoo
papertrail44: He's only gone and done you in
MintyDay: That fucking shut him up didn't it.
papertrail44: f
smoka-cola: f
MintyDay: F
smoka-cola: i don't wanna fight this fight
hjcrooke: omfg you don't get it do you
hjcrooke: this isn't a fight
hjcrooke: we were never fighting
hjcrooke: i was making jokes
hjcrooke: i thought i could break you into it
hjcrooke: shit i thought minty would at least have given you a private heads up
hjcrooke: but instead you run away or make a fucking song and dance about it
bones: Crooke.
hjcrooke: let me finish
hjcrooke: this isn't a fucking hierarchy
hjcrooke: you don't survive by pulling some other self-inflated prick down
hjcrooke: you have a skin made of fucking stone and you never drop it
hjcrooke: we rinse each other and call each other cunts and make jokes about fucking each other's mum
hjcrooke: because compliments are depressing
hjcrooke: compliments are what you give people you feel sorry for
hjcrooke: that's my philosophy
hjcrooke: and if yours is to bitch and moan until someone fills that vast gaping need for validation you've got bottled up inside of you
hjcrooke: then i don't want to be a part of this.
~ hjcrooke was banned. (no reason given)
bones: I think he made himself perfectly clear.
MintyDay: He just needs a break bones.
MintyDay: Some time to think.
bones: I made it a monthlong.
MintyDay: Cola, are you alright?
MintyDay: Cola?
~ smoka-cola has left the channel.
~ papertrail44 has left the channel.
MintyDay: Fuck.
~ MintyDay has left the channel.
Addendum 3169.03: Incident 3169/01
The corpse of Lewis Reeves was discovered on 8/24/2017 after police reports suggested the presence of anomalous activity. The epidermis of Reeves' chest and lower back had been hardened, with tissue sampling suggesting equivalent strength to that of concrete.
Autopsy revealed the cause of death to be large deposits of sand and various other minerals forming within Reeve's vital organs. A search warrant on Reeves' home has been submitted in hopes of potentially recovering and containing anomalous objects.
bones: My answer is no.
MintyDay: Please bones. A yearlong at least.
bones: You've already agreed to the monthlong. I'm not extending the ban any further.
MintyDay: I agreed on the monthlong before he fucking killed one of us.
MintyDay: He's volatile. He doesn't belong here.
bones: Compose yourself. Crooke is many things, but he's not a murderer, and he's not volatile. We know exactly what he's about and we know exactly why he's about it.
bones: Cola was volatile. He let his emotions get the best of him and that doesn't mesh well with reality bending. He overreacted. He pushed his own limits.
bones: Accidents happen.
MintyDay: So what? Even then, he kills himself and doesn't deserve our pity?
bones: Of course he deserves our pity. But he doesn't deserve petty revenge. Especially not petty revenge that he didn't ask for.
bones: Ban is firm.
MintyDay: What do we do now?
bones: Move on.
bones: As per usual.
