SCP-285 is an anomalous humanoid entity with no defined shape or internal structure, the exception being SCP-285-A, which consistently manifests itself on the object's back. SCP-285's body changes sporadically, with no pattern among the alterations; despite the trauma SCP-285 incurs as a result of this bodily mutation, it will not at any point display signs of homeostatic distress. Subject claims it cannot control these changes. These changes include, but are not limited to:
- Loss and growth of new limbs.
- Variable size and shape of body parts.
- Loss and growth of height and mass
SCP-285-A appears to be an Ethernet port, which allows access to SCP-285's internal database. When accessed by a computer capable of wired connections between networks, various files are capable of being accessed. These files (SCP-285-B) contain various text files, audio files, cognitohazards, and videos. ~90% of all files have been corrupted. The cause of this corruption is currently unknown. Additionally, SCP-285 is only capable of accessing files that were formed within its own database.
Investigations into SCP-285-B and its contents reveal that editing of SCP-285-B could cause external changes on SCP-285's body and psychological state. To what extent this is possible without causing permanent damage to SCP-285 is currently unknown. It is believed that PoI-6938 used this ability to evade GoI-102 ("Unusual Incidents Unit") through consistent use of editing SCP-285's facial structure and body type, along with editing in Thaumatological based offense capabilities to defend against GoI-102 agents.
Recovery: SCP-285 was recovered following an attempted arrest involving itself and an unknown individual (currently believed to be SCP-285's creator) in Las Vegas, Nevada. SCP-285 and the unknown individual (PoI-6938) were initially pulled over for speeding, before the officer discovered that PoI-6938 had attacked a federal building in [REDACTED], California. This federal building was later revealed to have been under the direct control of GoI-102, and was used as a prison for anomalous humanoids. The attack by PoI-6938 and SCP-285 ended in the deaths of 34 GoI-102 personnel and the release of ~70% of the prison population.
The officer attempted to arrest SCP-285 and PoI-6938, but was attacked by SCP-285. PoI-6938 then escaped, leaving SCP-285 with the officer. SCP-285 was then arrested and put into GoI-102 custody, before eventually being given over to the Foundation following an anomalous Trade Of Information between GoI-102 and the Foundation. Both local law enforcement and Federal Agents were unable to locate PoI-6938. Anomalous pathways located in Nevada are currently being investigated with joint Foundation-UIU task forces.
Interviewer: Dr. Henderson
Dr. Henderson: What is your purpose?
SCP-285: I don't know.
Dr. Henderson: How do you not know?
SCP-285: I just don't know. I have an idea of why I was created, but I'm not too sure.
Dr. Henderson: Well, tell me why you think you were created.
SCP-285: Well, to entertain kids. Originally, I think. Although, my purpose was probably [pause] altered, for lack of a better word.
Dr. Henderson: How do you think you were altered?
SCP-285: It's hard to explain. I remember some things perfectly, but others I can't even think of. I think he was mad, and he wanted to hurt someone. And he used me to help hurt them. I hope he didn't succeed.
Dr. Henderson: Why do you not want him to succeed?
SCP-285: I don't want to hurt anyone.
Dr. Henderson: Then why did you attack that officer?
SCP-285: I just did as I was told. But I think that's the only time he ever made me hurt someone. At least, I think he did.
Dr. Henderson: Why do you think your creator put these various files onto you?
SCP-285: Insurance, I guess.
Dr. Henderson: Explain.
SCP-285: You see, I remember my, uh, 'database', for lack of a better word, being biological in nature. My brain [taps forehead], contains all the information in my 'database', even if I can't access anything he put on me. Or anything he didn't want me to see.
Dr. Henderson: So, if your brain were to be damaged or if you were to die, all the files within your database would disappear?
SCP-285: Not disappear as much as just become corrupted. But, yes, that's the idea. He wanted to make sure that if I was to get captured by the 'you-eye-you' or whatever it was called, that they wouldn't have been able to read my files. He really hated those guys. Maybe that's what made him mad in the first place. I remember whenever I brought it up he'd get angry and yell at me a lot. I cried a little, but not a lot. He hates when I cry. It's not my fault that he created me to cry.
Dr. Henderson: Did he bring anything up that maybe would have explained why he was so angry?
SCP-285: No, but the way he sounded it was like the end of the world to him. That's why he created me, I think. Why he altered me. He wanted to use me as something, as a, uh, weapon, I guess? Whatever it was, he wanted to hurt the 'you-eye-you'. He used to go on and on about how they were evil and deserved to be destroyed because they took everything from him and how they all need to die. It was scary.
Dr. Henderson: Well, the UIU is not evil; I can say that with confidence.
SCP-285: How though? He told me they kidnap and murder innocent people who've done nothing but exist. Told me how they made being alive hell for him and his friends and family. I've never had a family, but that must hurt, right?
Dr. Henderson: Whatever your creator told you, it was inaccurate to reality.
SCP-285: If you say so, doctor. I trust you more than him, anyways.
Dr. Henderson: Why do you think your creator left you behind?
SCP-285: He was done with me.
Dr. Henderson: How was he done with you?
SCP-285: He had done what he had wanted to do, whatever it was. I guess I was just one more loose end.
Dr. Henderson: If you truly were a 'loose end', as you described, why did he not kill you himself?
SCP-285: I think he was, and after uploading all the files into my 'database', he was gonna do that. But he got interrupted. And he panicked, and he just hoped that the cop would just finish me off. Glad he didn't do that, you know? I like living. Better than whatever I was before.
Dr. Henderson: Why do you think he wanted to get rid of all the files in your database?
SCP-285: Something was there, something about some other people. He did something to them. Stole something real important to them. I think he was a part of them at one point, but left. Maybe I was a part of them too, I don't know, but I know that whatever group it was, he didn't want them coming after him. Or finding me.
Dr. Henderson: Do you remember the name of this group?
SCP-285: I don't know man. I remember him talking about some 'fucking stoners', but that's pretty much it.
The following collection of documents are filed in chronological order based off of documents from SCP-285's internal database and GoI-102 related documents. The purpose of this collection is to provide a possible time frame regarding SCP-285's creation and PoI-6938's overall motive and goal.
The following document was a deleted audio file, believed to be addressed to SCP-285's original owners.
I don't give a damn what blunt thinks or says. I need him. Without him, I wouldn't have gotten this far. The damn feds are crawling all over the damn place, and this guy is the only thing keeping them away from me. If anything, you should be glad he's around. Better for them to be mind fucked into oblivion than just killed, right?
Man, you really gave this guy some sweet powers. You sure this guy was meant to be a kiddy thing? I thought we were meant to be pacifists or something?
Not that I'm complaining.
You know, that's the one thing I've always hated about you two. You're too damned soft. You don't ever fight back. You just sit on your ass and make jokes and do nothing.
Yeah, it was fun, what we did. For a while, at any rate. Then Jordan got taken. You two wouldn't understand. What it's like to have to take care of someone. Look after someone. Do some [pause] some real shitty things to protect the ones that you love.
And every damn time I tried asking you and the others about what we should do about Jordan. About how the Ravens took him. Remember what you fucking said, Jude? "He got what he deserved"?
Well, I remember that.
Maybe we need a couple of terrorists in the world. To knock the man a peg or two down.
Document currently believed to be in reference to 'Jordan' from Document-A.
Electronic copy below as per Federal Records Act
UIU File: 2016-982: Codename "Merrymaker"
Summary: Suspect capable of performing high class Thaumatology and minor reality warping. Possible connections to The Serpent's Hand, an anomalous terrorist organization, and is primarily active in Southern California and Nevada. Possible member of the secretive location known as 'The Library', the main base of the Serpent's Hand.
Name: Unknown, but has consistently given out the first name "Jordan"
Irregularity Cross-reference: Human, Magician, Terrorist, American, Serpent's Hand
||189 pounds, large
||Tattoos depicting a hand strangling an American Eagle, hammer smashing a five-pointed star, and several hands tugging at a logo with three arrows pointing inwards.
Capabilities: Suspect is capable of performing offensive thaumatic spells. These spells include fire-based projectiles, sentient flesh-based creations formed from his own epidermis, and capable of forming Ways. These Ways are not permanent, and are incredibly unstable. In all cases, Ways produced by the suspect are incapable of transporting him at long distances. These Ways also cause temporary physical and mental effects to the suspect. Suspect suffers from vomiting and nausea after forming Ways.
Purpose/Motive: Primarily motivated by hatred of organizations or agencies responsible for preserving and maintaining consensus reality, along with curbing activity in the anomalous community. Believes that the only way anomalous humans can continue to exist is by the destruction of any and all normalcy agencies. Willing to cooperate with any group or person as long as this primary motive is maintained.
Modus Operandi: Suspect often works with terrorist organizations, specifically the Serpents Hand, various anartist sects, and, on one occasion, with a currently unidentified anomalous terrorist group. Its cooperation is often in tandem with the organizations opposition to normalcy agencies.
Behavior: Behaves with very little remorse or empathy towards non-anomalous entities. Exhibits unwillingness to socialize with other people, both anomalous and non-anomalous.
Destroyed Unit Patrol Car: Patrol car has suffered major scorching on the exterior and the interior of the vehicle. Analysis provides evidence of external source. Additionally, the hood of the car has been found to been smashed in by an external force. Analysis of the vehicle suggests that the scorch marks were caused by a fire produced through Thaumatology.
Body Camera Footage: Footage shows suspect assaulting and killing fifteen Federal Agents after an anomalous arms deal goes wrong.
Footage of Way: Footage of a Way produced by the suspect.
Current Status: Detained at [CLASSIFIED], California. Not allowed to contact anyone or receive packages from family or associates. Indefinite solitary confinement.
Crimes: Murder of a Federal Officer, Destruction of Property, Anomalous Arms Dealing, Drug Ownership, Drug Trafficking, Drug Manufacturing, Treason, Terrorism, Murder of a Police Officer, Theft of Federal Property, Speeding, Arson, Selling Paratech without a license, Performing Thaumatology Without a License, Driving Without A License, and Evasion of Arrest.
Sentencing: Capital Punishment.
History of UIU Action:
5/22/2016: Suspect first appeared aiding a Serpent Hand operative escape Unit patrol vehicles with a currently unidentified Ford pickup truck. Used his Thaumatological abilities to destroy five of the seven cars. The suspect and the accompanying operative escaped after driving their vehicle through a Way produced at the bottom of a canyon, of which they had driven off of.
6/9/2016: Suspect encountered near [CLASSIFIED], California selling anomalous drugs in a local club. When arrested by three Agents, he formed three biological entities of varying shapes and sizes to attack the Agents. Suspect escaped via a Way he had produced while the entities began attacking civilians in order to distract Unit Agents from apprehending him. Fifteen civilians and two officers were killed by the time the three entities were destroyed.
6/11/2016: Along with five individuals belonging to an unidentified anomalous terrorist organization, the suspect set fire to a Unit controlled prison, destroying various anomalous objects and persons in the resulting attack.
6/15/2016: Cornered by five Unit Agents in [CLASSIFIED], Nevada. Almost arrested before four of the five Agents were killed by a controlled, Thaumatological blast of lighting coming from another entity with the suspect. The suspect and the entity escaped through a Way.
At this time, The Bureau considered making the suspect a Number One priority case on the West coast.
8/22/2016: After two months of silence, the suspect was encountered with fifteen Serpent Hands agent while breaking into a Unit controlled warehouse. Around 30% of the contents within the warehouse was stolen before Unit Agents were able to interfere with the operation. The operatives engaged in combat with the Agents before being subdued by the operatives. The Agents were then locked inside of the warehouse, with the suspect setting fire to the building. There were no surviving Agents.
9/1/2016: Suspect was pulled over for speeding. When the officer discovered the suspect's criminal nature, she attempted to arrest him. The suspect attacked and killed the officer.
The Bureau officially declares the suspect as a Number one threat to national security on the West Coast.
9/12/2016: Suspect is involved in an arms deal between the Serpents Hand and a currently unidentified third party. Interrupted by Unit Agents, ending in the murder of fifteen Agents, all by the suspect.
10/2/2016: The suspect is arrested after a failed break inside of a Unit controlled warehouse, similar to the break in on 8/22/2016, of which the suspect was also a part of. However, in response to the theft, the Bureau increases security measures in anomalous storage warehouses. The suspect and the fifteen Serpent Hands operatives were unprepared for these increased measures, and were all arrested.
INTERVIEWER: Hello, Mr. Jordan. How are you doing tod—
SUSPECT: Eat a dick.
INTERVIEWER: If you don't wish to cooperate with us, we can put you back in Solitary confinement.
INTERVIEWER: Alright, so what is yo—
SUSPECT: I hope your entire family dies of cancer.
INTERVIEWER: Alright, Officers, take Mr. Jordan back to his cell. We're done here.
SUSPECT: Don't worry, I won't be there long. Big bro always comes, in the end.
The following document was recovered inside of SCP-285's memory files. Originally a video, but only the audio was recovered.
Audio begins with the sound of a car driving down a road. A male voice can be heard talking, identified as PoI-6938.
PoI-6938: They're fucking animals, all of them. They beat us, abuse us, make us follow their rules, which always fucking put us at a disadvantage, and they expect us to not fight back? It's horrible.
SCP-285 does not speak.
PoI-6938: Well, me and you will show them. We're gonna get Jordan back, and then him and me and you are gonna take this world. Right, Hax?
SCP-285 does not respond.
PoI-6938: Right, Hax?
SCP-285: Y-Yes, yes sir.
PoI-6938: That's more like it. Now get ready, some feds are up ahead. This place should be where they keep the prisoner lists and shit. And hand me that mask. Just cause you don't need one doesn't mean I don't.
The car slows down to a halt, with two car doors opening and slamming closed. Faint talking can be heard, along with the sound of a door opening and closing.
Audio cuts out for thirty-one minutes before beginning once again. Vomiting noises can be heard, as someone is yelling.
PoI-6938: God fucking damnit! You fucking dumbass, can't you do anything right?
SCP-285: I-I'm sorry, alright, I just can't—
SCP-285 is cut off by vomiting.
PoI-6938: Damnit blunt. <Whisper> Why did he have to make you so much of a pansy?
SCP-285: Oh god, I can't do this. It hurts.
PoI-6938: I'd expect so. They made me put that feature in.
PoI-6938: Yeah, the fucking stoners. Blame them for what's going on. When someone like me or some other person feels bad for killing someone, it's like five times as painful for you. Increased empathy and the like. I would've made you like me, but they just had to be—
Vomiting noises begins again.
SCP-285: Get it out of me! Help me, make me a sociopath or something, I can't, I won't do this for the rest of my life.
PoI-6938: I can't. It's a built-in thing they made me put in you. I'd have to kill you to remove it. So, better get used to it Hax. Thankfully, it wasn't too useless. We got what we needed. Go and, uh, get some rest, or whatever.
SCP-285: Y-Yes sir.
The following phone call is believed to be between PoI-6938 and PoI-6939 ("Jordan") after they had escaped the correctional facility where PoI-6939 had originally been placed.
PoI-6938: Hey, dude, you there?
PoI-6939: Yes, I am. What happened?
PoI-6938: Fuck if I know man. Our, uh, mutual friends did something to Hax.
PoI-6939: What do you mean 'did something' to it?
PoI-6938: I can't mess with his files now. Without possibly killing him, at any rate.
PoI-6938: Which means he's a liability. They know his face, and he doesn't have any of the fancy stuff he used to have. Now he just sorta [pause] changes at random. He's too dangerous.
PoI-6939: What do we do?
PoI-6938: We, uh, do what we need to.
PoI-6939: Of course. Where will it be?
PoI-6938: Outside of Vegas. I'll meet you at Salt Lake.
PoI-6939: Alright. Just, be careful, alright?
PoI-6938: You know I am, brother. Love you.
PoI-6939: Love you too.
The following document was given to the Foundation by GoI-102 during the initial trade between GoI-102 and the Foundation.
Holy Heck! You've just found yourself your very own Mr. Hax by Gamers Against Weed! Always use Antimalware, kids. Who is this Fourchan?
Collect them all and become Mr. Gamer!
01. Mr. Literal Serial Killer
02. Mr. Normie
03. Mr. Bernie Sanders
04. Mr. Get Anything For Free In Any Shop
20. Mr. Sex Number
21. Mr. Heavenly Virtues
22. Mr. Deadly Sins
23. Mr. Original Character
24. Mr. D.A.R.E.
25. Mr. Gentrification
26. Mr. Mad About Video Games
27. Mr. Meme
28. Mr. Ominous (discontinued)
29. Mr. Destiny
30. Mr. Monty Python And The Holy Grail
31. Ms. Zapatista
32. Mr. Hax ✔
33. Mr. Just Has The Tattoo
34. Mr. Top Text and Mr. Bottom Text
35. Mr. Finale
36. Mr. Humble Waterfilter Merchant
The following document was discovered inside of a sealed envelope addressed to Site-43 staff.
I know this type of thing isn't our usual style, but we as a group decided that this situation couldn't be considered 'normal' by any stretch of the imagination.
We know you have Hax, and we know what happened to him. Including what happened with Ken and Jordan, and what they planned on doing to him. How we know this is not important, but what is important is what we learned from it. And we just want to say one thing to everyone involved:
We're sorry we trusted a monster who we thought was our friend. We're sorry that we couldn't stop him in time. We're sorry that we couldn't prevent what you went through, Hax. I, and the rest of the group, want to say that we never wanted this to end this way. For Hax, for you Janitors, or for the Ravens, who didn't deserve what happened to them.
We just wanted to bring happiness to children with your powers.
We just wanted to mock you and the Ravens.
We didn't mean for this. We never intended for things to end like this.
We're so so sorry.
Signed, Gamers Against Weed
P.S. Don't worry about Ken or Jordan. We've dealt with them.