Interviewed: ████ ████
Interviewer: Dr. ████████
Foreword: The following interview was conducted at the University of Alaska, Anchorage’s ██████ Building, Room ██, on ██/██/1984 (one week after the publication of the “Pumpkin Man Wins Blue Ribbon” article in the Anchorage Daily News).
<Begin Log ██/██/1984 16:32:40 AKDT>
Dr. ████████: Hello, Mr. ████. Thank you for coming in.
████: No problem, and please call me ████. I imagine this is all about the Pumpkin Man.
Dr. ████████: As a matter of fact it is. Please let me cut right to the chase.
████: By all means.
Dr. ████████: In the Anchorage Daily News article, you mentioned that you had some familiarity with the local legend of the Pumpkin Man. Can you please elaborate?
████: So it’s campfire stories you're after? Sure. Sure. I’ll tell you what I’ve heard.
Dr. ████████: Thank you.
████: I don’t know when the stories started, but I remember people talking about the Pumpkin Man when I was a little boy. Used to scare us a bit. Sometimes, we’d even joke around about it, you know. ‘Hey, mom, this pie tastes a little funny. You cook up the Pumpkin Man?’ We’d laugh, but, you know, inside we were always a little scared, like if you said his name too many times, he’d come around or something. It’s like them damn angels. Everybody always talks about how sweet and helpful and how when their farm dog dies, he’s coming back as a guardian angel, or some such. It’s all horse shit. Read the damn Bible. If you ever saw an angel in real life, you’d more likely shit your pants than dance. Scary as hell. Pumpkin Man was like that.
Dr. ████████: Yes, but can you recall any specifics regarding the Pumpkin Man?
████: Sorry. I’m getting on. Didn’t used to meander so much.
Dr. ████████: That’s fine. This is all very interesting.
████: Yeah, so, Pumpkin Man comes around every few years. Some people think him showing up is a blessing. You know, next year will be a record harvest or something like that. But some folks think it’s a pall, you know. You screwed up, and now Pumpkin Man is coming to let you know to turn around quick.
Dr. ████████: So how’s business?
[Both Laughing]
████: Damn fine. You sciencey folks are great for the pocket book. But I’m not so sure I want all this attention. Good note to go out on, I guess.
Dr. ████████: So your reluctance to continue farming was sincere?
████: It’s like if you’ve gone fishing all your life, but one day you drag up a fish with a kid’s finger sticking out the mouth. Every fish you pull up after that is sort of ruined. It’s like that now. Might fade, but I doubt it. Before, Pumpkin Man was sort of abstract. I imagined him like a cartoon character when I was a kid. Big jack-o-lantern for a head. Seeing what was inside that pumpkin. Well. Some things you can’t ever unsee. Know what I mean?
Dr. ████████: More than you know.
████: You know, I’d say ‘I doubt that, young lady.’ But… I believe you. So, yeah. You just sort of quietly hope to God that no Pumpkin Man shows up. I’ve heard of folks cutting open pumpkins and finding a bunch of slime inside… like rotten yogurt or custard or something.
Dr. ████████: Adipocere.
████: Excuse me?
Dr. ████████: Adipocere. Fat-wax. It’s a cheesy, grayish-white mass produced when the body's proteins convert to fat.
████: Wow. Well isn’t that pleasant. Yeah. Weird stuff. It’s not the usual rot you see in a pumpkin. They always say ‘that’s him!’ But I was never sure. Like I said in the article, ████████ promised on his mother’s grave that he opened one up and saw Pumpkin Man. He was so damn scared that he loaded it on his pickup and threw it in the river. He was never the brightest.
Dr. ████████: We’ve asked Mr. ████████ for an interview, but he has yet to get back to us. Again, thank you for your cooperation.
████: No problem. Yeah. I made a big mistake saying his name to the papers. He’ll probably never have us over for dinner again. Funny how what I did validated his claims, but now everybody thinks he’s crazier than ever. I really regret dragging him into it. Shooting off my big mouth.
Dr. ████████: Are there any stories of the Pumpkin Man outside the pumpkin, or is he always locked away?
████: Oh sure. Those are the worst ones. They say when he’s about to come out, he wails something fierce. Screaming like a banshee. Anybody with a lick of sense gets the hell out of the field. Of course in the stories, it always happens at night, and more often than not, there’s a big old lightning storm, even though lightning is about as common as Russians around here. Those stories are the worst, because he’s always stalking around in the mist, watching. I think that’s almost worse than coming up and eating bad little boys and girls. I mean, what the hell is he doing? What does he want? Where did he come from? If he ate us up, we could at least figure he was a devil or something. If he helped us out, maybe he’d be like Frankenstein's monster or something. You know, kind of benevolent but confused. But he just lingers and watches. Why?
Dr. ████████: Do you know anyone who has seen him? Outside of the pumpkin, I mean. Out in the fields?
████: Most of the stories have him out in the woods, staying on the fringe, you know. Out in the mist. I don’t know of anybody by name. Friend of a friend type thing. But I can ask around at the local watering hole. I’d better use this fame while I’ve got it. Think I could write a book?
[Both Laughing]
Dr. ████████: In the article, you mentioned that… just a second. ‘All I know is that you’re supposed to leave those ones alone.’ What did you mean by that?
████: You know, I’ve asked myself that same question. For the life of me, I can’t remember if I heard that from somebody, or if it’s just a feeling. You know, we have some of the puzzle pieces, and sometimes I think I can see the bigger picture. Pretty presumptuous, I know. I think he doesn’t want to be seen. I’m not sure if he’ll be ashamed or angry. Either way, I’d rather let him slink around in the woods unseen than have him upset or ashamed. Ignorance is bliss, and in this case, I’m just fine sticking my head in the sand.
Dr. ████████: Thank you so much Mr. █… ████. Is there anything else you can tell us?
████: Nothing that someone else couldn’t tell you better, I’m afraid.
Dr. ████████: Well, again, thank you. Your information is invaluable. If you can think of anything else, please don’t hesitate to call.
████: Thanks. It’s not everyday I get the number of a beautiful young woman. What will the missus think?
[Both Laughing]
<End Log ██/██/1984 16:36:55>
Closing Statement: ████ should be passively monitored. ████ has given Foundation personnel full permission to inspect his farmlands and surrounding acreage. Continue attempts to interview ████████.
