SCP-1496-1. Note shabbiness.
Item #: SCP-1496
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1496 is to be kept in an unremarkable small-item locker at Site-102. As the item is so profoundly uninteresting, it is envisaged that few will ever bother to test it. However, should no drying paint be available for viewing, SCP-1496 may be placed in a humanoid containment cell along with whichever unfortunate drew the short straw as the participant. Something to put on SCP-1496-1 may be thrown in, if you must. Note that no living being is to be placed on SCP-1496-1 without Senior Researcher approval, which is the only approval SCP-1496 will ever get.
Description: SCP-1496, which is a "place setting," is comprised of a grubby, chipped old plate (SCP-1496-1) and a couple of cheap plastic utensils of the type found in bottom-of-the-barrel fast food establishments.
SCP-1496 displays several pedestrian anomalous properties. Firstly, it compels anyone seated before it to construct an opinionated review of anything placed on SCP-1496-1. Inevitably, these reviews will match the participant's usual tone and voice. Participants subsequently asked about their review will not be able to remember anything about it save for having strong opinions; this is possibly a memetic effect caused by SCP-1496 being so forgettable.
It is impossible to make SCP-1496 interesting in any way. Also, it is impossible to make any sort of record of SCP-1496 that does not have the flavor of an opinionated review. Basic details, such as SCP-1496-1 being roughly circular, will remain unchanged; other information, such as description of the pathetic little prongs on the so-called forks, may not.
Reviews produced via SCP-1496 seem to exist in a state of superposition or flux. There is a probability of 0.5 that an observer will experience a review as either very enthusiastic or sarcastically dismissive. There is no record of any other sort of review being produced. It is theorized that this would require too much effort.
SCP-1496 was dragged out of the refuse of a raid on the office of a low-class radical "literary" collective in Quebec, Canada, after its effects became apparent in their written output.
Selected Results of Experiment Series SCP-1496-E5:
Experiment: 1496-E5q
Participant: Dr. Katzen
Object used: One meatloaf sandwich from Site-102 cafeteria
Medium of response: Dictated to observing personnel
Excerpts from result:
"…But the really hard task is deciding which is more awful: the rank stench of the revolting mystery meat that was thrown together as this facsimile of food, or the sad little puddle of grease befouling what was already a sorry excuse for a bread roll…"
"…Did the Site cafeteria actually serve this? To employees? I wouldn't inflict this on a D-class. Termination would be a mercy."
Experiment: 1496-E5a
Participant: Dr. Trebuchet
Object used: Nothing (SCP-1496-1 empty)
Medium of response: Dr. Trebuchet made entries in her laboratory notebook, per her usual experimental practice.
Result (translated from French):
Observed plate, per procedure. Nothing of interest. Upon closer inspection, grease stains, dirt, and damage apparent. Poor quality object. Touched dirty/chipped areas with bare skin, but no negative effects observed. Supposition: bacteria satisfied with mediocrity / too lazy to be invasive or destructive? Note: overcome by inability to care about this item. (Not anomalous effect.)
Experiment 1496-E5s
Participant: D-6464, who has a developmental age of circa 6yo and has expressed a mild dislike of vegetables.
Object used: Raw carrot
Medium of response: Drawing/text, using provided photocopier paper and marker pens
Result:
