SCP-1386
Sentient Ice Cream Van
SCP-1386, before being transported to its current location
Special Containment Procedures
SCP-1386 is currently located in an evacuated four-block neighborhood surrounded by a 10-meter-high reinforced concrete containment wall in ████████, ██, 8 kilometers from the nearest inhabited neighborhood. Due to the incident with Doctor F██████ on 4/17/12, it is to be kept under constant surveillance, and must only be approached by D-class personnel.
Any individual that comes within a 3-meter radius of SCP-1386 must give the appearance of being happy, such as by smiling or laughing. If it is approached by someone who does not appear happy, the subject will feign hostility, emitting a low growl from its interior, and refuse to interact positively until the individual's demeanor changes. It is as of yet unknown if SCP-1386 will act out on its aggression if exacerbated.
When making contact with SCP-1386, it is strongly advised to have at least twenty dollars of American currency in hand and in plain view of it. If SCP-1386 does not sense currency on the individual approaching it, a siren that has been known to cause bleeding of the inner ear will blare from its undercarriage for the next 24 hours. All attempts to silence the siren have failed, and once it has begun, the subject will refuse to move from its current location until the 24-hour period has passed. Any attempts of interaction with SCP-1386 during this period have been known to momentarily increase the intensity of the siren.
Description
SCP-1386 is a white “Good Humor”-brand ice cream truck, in poor condition and lacking any images or descriptions of the products it sells. The van appears to be sapient, as it drives without a person behind the wheel; after the investigation of 3/15/12, it has been concluded that none of the doors or windows on the vehicle open through conventional means. The van plays instrumental melodies of “Pop Goes the Weasel” and “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” 24 hours a day, alternating between the two every four hours. On occasion, it has been known to play a version of “Greensleeves,” but will immediately switch to another song when in the presence of customers.
SCP-1386 has a thin slot in the middle of its driver-side door, which only becomes visible when it dispenses the various ice cream products it sells. Along with the ice cream, the van slides out a small slip of receipt paper with a price written on it in what has been described as “very sloppy, but legible” handwriting. The van receives payment through the same slot it delivers ice cream from, and will drive away as soon as it is paid. The prices and flavors of the ice cream products it sells fluctuate daily, but it never runs out of its stock of items. Notable tests of the van are as follows.
3/30/12 - Doctors R██████ and D████ each requested one cookies and creme smoothie, and they were dispensed as asked. However, one smoothie was marked with a handwritten M and the other a handwritten G. The receipt was for $4.89, and was paid without incident.
4/1/12 - Doctor D████ requested one Neapolitan ice cream sandwich. After several seconds, the van slid out what appeared to be a meat and cheese sandwich with tomato. The sandwich was made out of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry ice cream, respectively. The receipt given read “april fool’s!” and the van drove away before Doctor D████ could inquire about payment.
4/12/12 - Doctor D████ asked for a single-scoop vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. The product was dispensed as asked, with a receipt that read $0.72, and was paid without incident.
4/17/12 - Doctor F██████ requested one peach push-pop and received it, along with a receipt of $16.27. Doctor F██████ expressed disapproval at the price for the ice cream and refused to pay the full amount, instead paying a total of $3.75 in quarters. When Doctor F██████ attempted to walk away, the van opened the slot in its door to an approximate height of six feet and dragged Doctor F██████ inside of it by use of a large and rusted steel trap. The van then returned its slot to its former size and proceeded to spew out a pink substance from its slot for five straight minutes before then driving away with no further incident. Upon inspection of the pink substance, it was found to consist of blood, skin tissue, and bone fragments whose DNA signature matched that of Doctor F██████.
Due to the incident of 4/17/12, all further attempts to interact with SCP-1386 must be through D-class personnel.
4/27/12 - Personnel D-███ asked the van for a cherry Popsicle, adding: “with nuts.” The van seemed to wait several seconds, then dispensed a single cherry Popsicle, unwrapped, with nuts embedded in the ice. The receipt given read “$2.20 you’re nuts!” and D-███ was recorded as chuckling as he read the paper. The van was paid without incident.
4/30/12 - Personnel D-███ requested a "Caesar Salad flavor" Popsicle. After a few moments, the van dispensed a Popsicle with an off-green coloration which was noted to taste of "lightly dressed lettuce with a hint of croutons." The receipt was for $4.56 and was paid without incident.
5/4/12 - Personnel D-███ asked for a "Dark Chocolate Fudge Pop," and received it with a receipt of $1.38, paid for it with two single-dollar bills. After receiving payment, the van made a sound akin to a cash register from within what is presumably the area in which ice cream is stored, and then dispensed a small factory-wrapped package. There was no written indication of what was contained inside the package, but on the front there was a crudely-drawn image of what appeared to be various coins, all of American currency. The van drove off once the package was dispensed. At the urging of Doctor J████, D-███ was then assigned to inspect the contents of the package. The package was found to have a total of $.62 in American currency. When the coins were considered safe, D-███ asked if he could keep the change; request was denied.
5/10/12 - Personnel D-███ asked for an ice cream Kinder Egg which was dispensed along with a receipt for $3.87 and was paid without incident. The Kinder Egg appeared similar to the kind popular in Europe, though made of ice cream instead of chocolate; D-███ reported the exterior to be made of coffee ice cream and the interior of french vanilla. However, there was no toy inside as ordinary Kinder Eggs have. Instead, there was a small slip of parchment paper that read "i.o.u. one toy."
5/16/12 - Personnel D-███ requested the following, in order: one cherry ice lolly, one cherry ice pop, one cherry popsicle, and one "cherry-flavored drink, frozen." The van made what D-███ described as "a real unnerving sound, like someone skinning a cat in reverse" for several seconds before flinging out of its slot red sticks of unwrapped ice, shattering them on the pavement. Moments later, it dispensed a large styrofoam cup full of a frozen green liquid. D-███ was noted as asking the van "What do I owe you?" and was given no response before the van drove off. Upon inspection of the shards of ice from the first three sticks, it was discovered that the frozen substance was made up of two parts water, one part arsenic, and red food dye. The styrofoam cup was found to contain an unknown substance with a melting point so high it is impossible to thaw with current technology. The substance and the cup are presently being held for further examination.
5/20/12 - A new procedure has been tested. Personnel D-██7, mute but able to write, requested a "vanilla cone in chocolate" through use of pencil and paper. The request was raised to the area where the dispensing slot usually appears. After a full minute, the van opened another slot three inches lower than the normal one. A thin, flesh-colored appendage slid out of the slot to retrieve the paper before retreating and closing the slot. Moments later, the normal slot opened and the ice cream was received. The receipt was for $.97, and was paid without incident. When questioned about the transaction, D-██7 responded in frantic sign language. It is transcribed as follows:
It was a hand. Not human. Two fingers and a thumb. It was bony like a dead body. And it smelled. It smelled dead.
D-██7 refused to eat the ice cream that was received, claiming they had "lost [their] appetite."
5/30/12 - Following the events of 5/20/12, Personnel D-██5, who is not mute, was given the order to repeat the same test, writing their request on paper and giving it to the van. The van received the paper through its secondary slot by use of another flesh-colored appendage, and completed the transaction as requested. The receipt was for $.86, and was paid without incident. When questioned about the transaction and the appendage in particular, D-██5 responded:
I don't see what B███ was getting all worked up about. It's just a hand, you know? There's probably just some guy in there, handing out ice cream. Sure, it's weird, but what here isn't?
6/4/12 - Personnel D-██2, also not mute, was given the order to write a new request on paper and give it to the van. The request was for a banana sundae with hot fudge. As in previous tests, the van accepted the paper through a secondary slot by use of its "hand" and processed the request. The receipt was for $2.78, and was paid without incident. When questioned about the transaction, D-██2 stated:
There's got to be somebody in there. I could swear I heard somebody cough, like they had a cold or something.
When the topic of the "hand" was further pushed, D-███ responded:
Look, it's not that big of a deal. Just a hand. Got all five fingers, looked healthy, certainly not dead or whatever. B███'s just lost it. Never trusted that guy much, anyway.
6/6/12 - No test. Personnel D-██7 [logged at 5/30/12] was found dead in their holding block at 07:40. Approximate time of death is 04:30. Autopsy shows that D-██7 died of strangulation, and light bruising on the neck confirms this. D-██7's death has been marked as suicide as they did not share a cell with any other personnel and their cell door showed no signs of forced entry.