SCP-3975

Description

SCP-3975 is an anomalous phenomenon that manifests within the territory of Canada, centered around a nonexistent government department referred to as the "Department of Oreo Conservation". SCP-3975 takes the form of official media distributed with the insignia of the Canadian government which manifests either physically or online after first appearing spontaneously in the workplaces of Canadian government officials. Media produced by SCP-3975 centers around the popular Oreo brand of cookies (produced by Christie in Canada and owned by Mondelēz International) and attempts to mimic an official opinion from the Canadian government on the subject of Oreos. Examples of documented media include letters to businesses and individual citizens, educational videos, websites, and tweets by government departments.

The contents of SCP-3975 media attempt to associate positive emotions with Oreos and/or encourage actions that benefit the brand while disparaging its rivals under the auspices of government authority.¹ SCP-3975 instances usually include overly patriotic language and attempt to tie the Oreo snack brand to Canadian national identity, despite their American origin. While no negative consequences will result from disobeying or ignoring SCP-3975 instances, they are considered a Keter-class threat due to their widespread proliferation in spite of attempted Foundation containment and their potential to create a Broken Masquerade scenario (see Incident Log).

SCP-3975 first manifested on Global Affairs Canada's website in 2001 as a mock notice proclaiming a temporary ban on the importation of Hydrox cookies to Canada. The notice was quickly taken down and was initially believed to be a hoax before the first physical phenomena manifested a month later. Shortly thereafter, the Foundation designated the phenomena as SCP-3975 and entered into a containment agreement with the Department of Justice. Neither Mondelēz International nor their local subsidiaries expressed knowledge of SCP-3975 before or during its manifestation and it does not appear to have been an intentional action by the company.

Partial Log of SCP-3975 Media

• Canada: A History of Our Land (2003), a generic educational history textbook produced by the government of Ontario. A chapter dealing with the early 20th century was altered to include several paragraphs about Orville Reed, a fictional person who is said to have invented the Oreo cookie while working as a baker in Toronto in 1912.² The twelve squares made of interconnected triangles in the Oreo design are said to represent the eleven provinces and territories of Canada at the time, with the twelfth representing unity.
• A public service advertisement depicting an American and Canadian smiling while standing on opposite sides of the Canada-United States border at Derby Line, Vermont/Stanstead, Quebec. The American is depicted holding an unopened package of Hydrox cookies, while the Canadian holds a package of Oreos. A caption below the two reads "Different cookies. Different countries. Same friendship."
• A letter sent to Leafy Goods (the distributor of Hydrox in Canada) demanding that all packaging for Hydrox cookies sold in the country be labeled with graphic warnings that consumption of the cookies may cause cancer. To support their decree, the Department of Oreo Conservation cites a study from the "Sub-Department of Confectionary Competitor Regulation". An example is attached that is similar to the warnings used on cigarette packs in the country, with the phrase "Hydrox will kill your taste buds" next to a picture of a graphically unhealthy human tongue.
• A five-minute video produced for Canada Day that depicts a montage of Canadians of various races and religious denominations all consuming Oreo cookies while staring at the camera and smiling. An accompanying voiceover states "Many things make Canada great. Our environment. Our diversity. And, of course, our food. Over a century after Orville Reed first made that uniquely Canadian snack, people in our country and all around the world have experienced the joy of a creamy filling surrounded by a delicious chocolate cookie. So on this Canada Day, eat Oreos. For the pride of your home and native land."

Partial Incident Log

Incident 012 "Confectionary and Aluminum/Steel Tariff Agreement" [Most Recent Incident]

In March 2018, a diplomatic message was sent to the White House from Ottawa shortly after US President Donald Trump authorized tariffs on imports of steel and aluminum into the United States with a temporary exemption for Canada and Mexico. The message proposed a "Confectionary and Aluminum/Steel Tariff Agreement" in which the United States would permanently ban the importation of Hydrox cookies into Canada and acknowledge that Oreos are a "national cookie of distinctly Canadian origin" while the Canadian government imposes a 10% tariff on all non-Oreo cookie imports. In exchange, Canada would agree to a permanent 15% tariff on aluminum and steel exports to the United States.

Although the message was reported to the Foundation, an unknown government employee leaked it to the press before it could be fully suppressed. An article from the Toronto Star entitled "Canadian Government Demands Tariffs on Cookies" was available on their website for approximately half an hour before a DDoS attack from Alpha-59 temporarily brought the website down. Amnestics were issued to the newspaper staff and persons confirmed to have viewed the article, but low-level rumors of "Oreo tariffs" continue to persist among the Canadian populace.

Incident 004 "The Oreo Party"

During the 2006 Canadian federal election, numerous election pamphlets and other materials distributed by the Canadian government became infected by SCP-3975 when information on official parties was altered to include the Oreo Party, whose platform supposedly consisted of a ban on the sale of Hydrox in Canada, opposition to government-funded research into links between obesity and sugar, and free Oreos for every public school cafeteria. Although widespread in its distribution, the SCP-3975 instances advertised that only one candidate was running for the Oreo Party, the nonexistent "Orville Reed IV" in the riding of Pickering-Scarborough East (the same riding where the phenomena claims Oreos were invented). SCP-3975 media made the claim that neither the Liberal, Conservative, nor New Democratic parties would be running candidates in the riding (in actuality, all three did) and that Reed IV was endorsed by Prime Minister Paul Martin as "a necessary voice for our national snack." Media was suppressed and amnestics were issued by the Foundation following a wide-ranging cover-up that took several weeks; election proceeded without incident.

Incident 009 "Bonfire of the Bad Cookies"

In early 2012, SCP-3975 began to manifest exponentially across Canada as a series of letters sent to Canadian citizens urging them to participate in a nonexistent government-sponsored event referred to as the "Bonfire of the Bad Cookies." Supposedly taking place on 6 March³, the letters encouraged citizens to acquire non-Oreo brand cookies and throw them in a designated "Cookie Firepit" at 18:00 local time in each province. The event was said to be a "movement of social protest" against "the encroachment of substandard dessert foods into our national diet." Canadian citizens who participated in the event were promised a voucher which could be used to purchase two standard 500g packages of Oreos.

Despite Foundation attempts to suppress the produced media and public knowledge of the event, the cities of Vancouver, Toronto and Ottawa each had roughly a dozen citizens who were aware of the event and arrived at the designated fire location. At 18:00 local time, a pile of wooden logs and cardboard spontaneously manifested in each city, as did an unidentified individual (henceforth SCP-3975-A) who wore a black shirt depicting a white Maple Leaf and the face of an Oreo cookie on its front while wielding a torch. The SCP-3975-A instances lit the fire, shouted "Let the confectionary cleansing begin" and immediately de-manifested; Foundation Mobile Task Forces shut down each event and distributed amnestics to participants shortly afterwards. To date, this is the only occasion where a humanoid entity has appeared during an SCP-3975 incident.