SCP-3015

Description

SCP-3015 is a non-sentient humanoid construct that does not match any known individual from missing person databases. It is not capable of movement, sound, or automation until its activation phrase is spoken in a 20m radius around it. A handwritten document, Document 3015-E, can be found in the right jeans pocket of SCP-3015, consistent with other Gamers Against Weed anomalies of a similar nature.

When the activation phrase, "Feel the burn"², is spoken in a 20m radius around SCP-3015, it will turn so that its back is facing the speaker, then bend over and pull its buttocks apart to reveal an extradimensional portal that leads to an abandoned safehouse located in Springfield, Massachusetts. Only one person is able to go through SCP-3015 at a time. More than one person attempting to go through at once has resulted in moderate injury including, but not limited to; circulation injuries, pressure bruises, temporal dislocation, and hairline fractures.

Addendum: Documents 3015-A through D were recovered from a desktop left at the safehouse. Most programs and documentation are presumed to have been erased. All documentation is most likely written by PoI-6877 ("jockjamsvol6"). For a full list of information recovered, see GoI-5869 ("Gamers Against Weed") Recovered Documentation.

Document 3015-A:

Yeah kkrule, I know; Dahlia told me about it. And no, of course it's not a Mister. That would be wild as fuck, but no. I didn't it find it too funny anyhow. I'm almost never on at the same time as you but if I were, I would have probably told you it sucked, but that's only because I'm bitter you did Bernie first.

I guess I'm just a bit ticked you know. But it's fine, no reason why I just can't finish Bernie anyway. Find a soul and everything for this sexy fucking dude. I wanted to make this dude have others disappear up their own asses, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that's actually kinda fucked. So what am I even supposed to do? I got an old man who's a stud with nothing occupying his actual being. It's just standing here all weird. Whatever.

[Why am I even writing you a PM when I don't even know you? You're not really a buddy, just some memester, so fuck me I guess.]³

So basically; no, I'm not sending you him, but I'll show him off in the chat.

Document 3015-B:

Hey Jude. I know we were talking about that idea for Bernie, and I'm ditching that whole "people go up their own asses" thing. What if people go up his ass instead? That's way funnier and still gross but at least no one's getting hurt, I guess? I still need your help with that, if you're able to swing it.

I'm still sort of annoyed that I can't come up with anything else for this. Fuck me, did kkrule just take my goddamn ideas too while he was at it? Even his name is just pissing me off every time I see him brought up in chat. It's definitely an irrational thing, which is 100% why I'm wallowing in it. Considering just letting Mr. Bernie Sanders be without some dude's soul. It's funnier that way, actually. Imagine this for me; you say the thing, and he turns around. Then he just opens up his asshole and reveals a location to Bumfucknowhere, Tolerant Left State. FUCK DUDE. The epitome of comedy. Gog. (Another finely-aged, impeccable meme.)

I think this is gonna be my only involvement with the whole Misters joke when we finish it up anyway. "Haha, what if we made our own Misters?" I, JJ, definitely said out loud to myself, all smarmy. It was a good joke and a good list that is objectively the funniest thing on Earth. "Now let's go make these Misters!" everyone else said, and I just lost the plot of the joke. It's not really funny when we do the thing that we railed on another group for doing the thing for. "But it's fine, I'll do Bernie" I said, innuendo fully intended. And then. Shit. I don't hate kkrule even, I just sort of hate myself for not thinking of it first?

Whatever, you don't need to listen to me dump shit on you. Here's a picture of good old Bernie; I think I'm done toying around with his look. A car drove by, and they probably thought this dude standing perfectly still was my dad. No one else drove by at least, because almost no one else bothers to drive down this road. I'll be so fucking happy to move out of here, you have no idea. At least it's not Rich White Guy Asshole Island Martha's Vineyard.

I got the house by the way, just in case. How lucky was I? Same as usual. It was perfect timing, also as usual, as I got word from some friends (and this is just a rumor, but you know how rumors are) that the jailers might be raiding someone soon, probably you.⁴ So I'd advise being prepared to bolt if things go to shit. Cim will set you up; he's moving stuff in right now as we speak.

I'll be moving soon, I think. I grew up in this place most of all my life, and I'm sick of it. Time to be a loner elsewhere. Might not be on chat for a few days; I'll probably chill in the Library until L_G is able to clear enough of her place out for me to chill while I find a new place. Need to lay low anyway. The sooner I get out of here, the better. Bernie can be my last connection to this town. Hasta la vista, assholes.

Document 3015-C:

P.S. Here's your early birthday present. Not mine, but it's the sentiment that counts.

hear is the lick

Document 3015-D:

So the safehouse is mostly cleaned out. I sent you Bernie, and now I'm gonna drop out for a bit in case the jailers somehow manage to find it first and see I sent it. It's cool; they won't know I sent it to you. For real though, I want you to imagine some poor Foundation guy testing to see how many ways he can climb up an asshole while his asshole friend goes off solving world crime and magic mysteries. I know you literally, for real, absolutely, 9001% never smile, which is also the reason why I'm sending you him. So you can imagine that happening and crack one.

I think you'd dig the Library though; that sort of magic shit is right up your alley. I'm just there because it's convenient. And books too, I guess? When we meet up again I'll let you know how to join the magic club.

While I'm typing out this shit and sending you a PM instead of just, you know, calling you, I should bitch a bit. Sometimes you feel like you don't quite fit into a group, you know? It's fucked, and I know this is to reorient myself and be chill and fine, the cool-ass dude in the group, but something's fucked with me that I'm not having as much fun with everyone. I thrive on that online social interaction but I didn't even get online all of yesterday. I consider uninstalling everything and just being a hermit; knowing how the Wise Karmic Gods That Rule Over The Entire Universe work, that'd work out wonderfully for me, which is why I don't do it. Fuck, too bare too quickly. Pulling out.

Let me know what goes on in chat. If anyone asks, I'm a Juggalo monk now. See you when your house is clear, gaylord.

Document 3015-E:

Holy Heck! Here's the joke; Mr. Bernie Sanders by Gamers Against Weed! We already did the other Bernie thing, so fuck it, here you go. If you're gonna barge in there anyway, you might as well just not make a mess. Who is Dr. Wondertainment?

Find them all and become Mr. Gamer!

01. Mr. Literal Serial Killer
02. Mr. Normie
03. Mr. Bernie Sanders (✔??)
04. Mr. Get Anything For Free In Any Shop
20. Mr. Sex Number
21. Mr. Heavenly Virtues
22. Mr. Deadly Sins
23. Mr. Original Character
24. Mr. D.A.R.E.
25. Mr. Gentrification
26. Mr. Mad About Video Games
27. Mr. Meme
28. Mr. Ominous (discontinued)
29. Mr. Destiny
30. Mr. Monty Python And The Holy Grail
31. Ms. Zapatista
32. Mr. Hax
33. Mr. Just Has The Tattoo
34. Mr. Top Text and Mr. Bottom Text
35. Mr. Finale

Document 3015-F:

Video transcript recovered 02/12/17. Video titled goddamnyouvine.avi.

0:00: [Shot of an open field, location unknown. Speaker hidden behind camera, presumably a cell phone recording. Speaker coughs and talks in a subdued voice.] Let's test this one, boys. Ahem.

0:03: "Feel the burn."

0:04: [Speaker is instantly transported to the safehouse.] Nice, now L_G gets to see his ass.

0:06: [Speaker's voice is raised with excitement, though still at the same volume.] Just my luck.